I am anti-emotion.
I don't like touchy feely conversations.
Getting close to anyone is very hard.
But.
When I love I love with everything I have, and I fall with everything I have, and I hurt with everything I have when the time comes. But I hate to cry. I'd rather throw up than cry, and I'd rather be stabbed in the face than throw up. So, If you look at it, I'd rather get stabbed in the face, then throw up before I cry lol. I dont know where it came from, but I never liked it. I always felt like every time I cry, people chalk it up to being a girl or on my period, which leads right back to being a girl. I hate that. So, when I do cry, its alone, quietly, unless its something horrible and then its all over.
I don't deny the therapy of crying. It's such a release that I'd compare it to orgasm when you get it all out. But, then, you're left with a headache, red dry eyes, make up everywhere, spit all over your hands, dirty kleenex's all over your bed, and a messed up pillow case. That last part sounded dirty lol.
I used to cry a LOT. As a kid, I'd fly off the handle and let out the waterworks anytime I was remotely provoked....and other times when I wasn't. I remember a time my brother came to visit. He ordered Pizza and ordered something I didn't want. I cried so hard. I never forgot how embarrassed I was to act that way but I didn't know how to control it. Until I started to write music.
I feel these songs so deeply. As deeply as a mother probably feels love for her child. When I write, something comes from me that can't be released any other way. Its like a new song has sucked the venom from me and I can live again.
Im sure its hard on Ty because I get so impulsive because of it, and most girls seem to wear their heart on their sleeve. He didn't see me really cry until a few months ago when my dad had a health scare. But then, he also doesn't have a girlfriend whining about stupid shit all the time lol.
I heard Sara McLaughlin one day and knew how to clean up my heart. Her voice tells me that her pain is safely stored away in those songs. I realized I could store my feelings in songs too. I started first by learning her songs and storing them there. Then I started writing. The first few songs did nothing. Merely paper with notes and words. Soon I wouldn't have to whine about failed relationships anymore once I wrote that safe keeping song. What ever the pain, happiness, or anything else, if I capture it with a song, I'm lighter.
This past year has been rough on my songwriting because I have had to learn to draw from other things to build a new repetoir of upbeat bar friendly music (because bars are the ones who pay). I went so long in serial relationships to write the happy, confused, sad story of a love. I learned how to fall fast because I knew that those extremes would be my sweet spot. Now, I write differently. It's exciting actually.
Part of me always wanted to be in a band. I want to be that bad ass rocker chick with tattoos and pierings wailing on a bass guitar with a killer drum beat behind me and I'm singing the shit out of a song. Helllllll Ya!
But I also feel this need to write to my roots. To stick with that hearbreakingly soft music with that ache that everyone feels pouring out through me. Then this horrifyingly poppy song is born and I'm thinking WHAT THE HELL! lol
But, in recent months, I am seeing something new take form. A rhythm backbone with a catchy tune, and Ty's lead guitar but still using those lyrics telling my exes etc that they REALLY messed up and we both know it lol. Or telling Ty things I couldn't ever sit down and explain.
Yes. Music is therapy. Its the way to tell everyone in the world your secrets with out being 'that person'. Its what makes me feel happy, sexy, alive, and loved. Who doesn't want that? But most of all, Its cleaner, better, and less invasive than a REALLY good cry. No matter your musical level, you should write a song. Exes are my fave cause you can pretty much mame them with words and you're not a bitch lol.
