Wasted energy…

I admit it. I am a vengeful person in general. I try really hard not to be but if someone makes me feel less than I am I never forget it. I mean, you could call me names behind my back and I can live with that, but if you make me feel my voice isn’t heard or that you’re better than me, I get boiling rage. What does this accomplish? Nothing. Nothing at all. I lose sleep. I stress.

But what’s worse, I never really cry and unfortunately, as a woman, that is a bad thing. Almost any woman will tell you a good cry is a necessity to get over any issue. Just don’t be a whiny bitch.

Today I am writing to talk about wasting energy on everyone else.

I used to think I was a good judge of character, but as the last year as come and gone I have seen myself proven wrong time and again because I want to believe in people so badly. My foot Dr, friends, all ranges of people. This becomes my doom. But when do you close yourself off and decide that pretty much everyone is out to help themselves?

My decision today has become never.

Here is why.

I am a person that gives money to needy people. I know that sometimes it’s critical for places like The Road Home to give money to them instead but I know from my past that some people don’t know how to ask for help from organizations thinking its best to do yourself. When I get that overwhelming feeling that a person with a cardboard sign is in need, I give if I have anything to give. I have been talked to by many about the faults of this but my defense to them is that if I give when my heart says to give and that person uses it in a poor manner, I have done all I can do and can have a clear conscience.

Why can’t I live like this? Maybe because you see what people you KNOW do with your help? Maybe because I can see when someone decides my help isn’t good enough and I am offended by this? I have had people ask me to help them with booking time and time again, and my advise isn’t what they wanted. It was my contacts lol. I cant give those. How will they learn? I try my best not to handicap my friends.

I am positive that all of us have been burned by a person or another, and as much as I don’t want to admit it, its mostly NOT on purpose.

We need to all learn how to not carry this with us. We waste time and energy talking about others in an ill manner, and though it seems that sometimes total ass holes get all the breaks, they don’t generally like themselves and neither does anyone else for long.

I challenge you and me, to make a pact.

1: No gossip. It helps no one ESPECIALLY those speaking it. It just burns the issues in our brains and we dwell while the person we are talking about is making headway on what ever they are doing because they generally don’t give a shit that you don’t like them or what they’re doing lol. As a matter of fact, speaking from experience, it drives them to succeed. We have been shot by some here in SLC and it just makes me go ‘Oh ya? Ill show YOU!’ lol

2: Breathe and think about what you need to do for you without walking over others.

3: Before we are quick to judge lets all think about the likelihood of that person being out to get you, or even thinking of you at all, and do the same for others. Be aware of those around you and if something feels right to help another, follow your heart and forget what they do with it. If you GIVE your help, its theirs to use as they need or desire.

And 4: Negativity seeps into your brain and takes you over. People see it, hear it, smell it and worse, avoid it. There’s no better way to let someone else take over your life than to let them. There is also no better way to get someone to not want to hang out with you than being negative.

I want to add, this post comes from the past few months of work, music, life in general. I am a person that tries to help others as much as I can. I don’t say this for props. I say this as a beginning to my explanation.  Over the past few years it has become so hard not to get jaded by people who have talked bad about us, gotten us blacklisted from playing at bars, people feeling we didn’t give them a gig they deserved, people thinking we are jerks for missing an email, or not going to a show we couldn’t make, at work, being told in no uncertain terms that my position is less than anothers’, things like that. But when you think about the good….there is ALWAYS so much more good out there than bad. And many times, the bad you see isn’t from someone else’s mistake, but your own. I was so mad because a certain paper seemed to think we never perform or tour and I realized it wasn’t THEIR fault. It was ours for not being better at promoting and advertising. Instead of getting mad at them, I went online and added all our shows to their calendar.

I have had many comments from friends lately about losing sleep and being stressed. Breathe my friends. Its all ok. We tend to close up and hide when things seem unbearable and then wonder why we feel so alone. Open up and ask your friends to be there for you and you will see how many people are out there to support you. Ask for support and you will receive.

These issues tend to get us all down and I have seen me not practicing, not working on AAS etc because I have let it all get me down. But the best defense to this is to just work through it. At least at the end of the day you know you accomplished something instead of getting more down because you didn’t accomplish anything.

My last challenge, if you hold onto the frustrations and sadness like I tend to do no matter how hard I try not to, is write those things down in a list and then write a list of the good in the same time frame. Wake up each morning and take a deep breath and think about what you need to make you happy. Push yourself to work harder on what you love or need and don’t let anyone else get in the way. When you go to bed at night, if all the things you can’t stop thinking about aren’t gone but you did all you could to remove those thoughts, maybe take a second to cry it out and you’ll sleep like a baby lol. If all else fails…as Mary said on FB today, just have sex lol.

Here is my list :)  A window to my soul.